I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
