There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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