I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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