He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
