well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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