I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
