I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
