Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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