I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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