That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
