My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
