There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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