Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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