Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize