i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
