I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize