I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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