went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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