Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
