Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
