He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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