I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize