I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
