don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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