those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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