I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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