Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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