I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
