drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Panties = found
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