I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
