i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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