What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
