Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
