its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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