I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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