Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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