So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
