I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
