Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
