my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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