I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
