sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Enjoy the penises
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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