The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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