i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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