Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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