You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
