9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
