fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
we're chasing vodka with high fives
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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