I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
