I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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