I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
