come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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