the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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