The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
