I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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