I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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