You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
