He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
