??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
