and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
