Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
